The next time you think you might be being manipulated, stop and ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I want to or because I feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, afraid, obligated, responsible etc. ?” If you are doing something for one of the latter reasons, then it is possible that you are being manipulated.
Many people are motivated by this kind of manipulation at work (working late because they fear they won’t get their next promotion if they don’t), but it can be more damaging in personal relationships between people because these interactions involve more intimate emotions. An example of a love withdrawal statement is, “Sure, you can do whatever you like, but don’t expect me to be here when you get home. I’m done with you. ”
Typically, we experience guilt when we feel like we have gone back on our end of a bargain. But in situations where you suspect you are being manipulated, try to consider whether you consciously agreed to the thing you feel guilty about or if the person is just making you feel guilty for no reason. A guilt statement might sound like, “I really thought you cared about me, but I guess this is more important to you. I see how little our relationship means to you, and I wonder if you even love me. ”
When we decide what tasks are most important to complete in our own lives, urgency is one way we organize our tasks and decide which to complete first. But when other people get to determine a thing’s urgency, this is problematic and manipulative.
If someone is yelling at you or speaking over you, then this is likely manipulation. He or she may also use other tactics to subdue you, such as blocking your path or standing over you.
For example, someone who is trying to manipulate you might ask you an important question right when you walk through the door. Or, someone might try to get you to perform an important task with little to no notice.
For example, someone who is trying to sell you a new phone might mask criticism with humor by saying something like, “Geez, is your phone from the stone age?” However, this person is clearly trying to make you feel insecure about your phone so that you will buy a new one. Someone may also mask criticism with expressions of love, such as by saying, “Even though you don’t put much effort into your appearance, I still love you. ” This statement is mean to make the person feel insecure about his or her looks, but the speaker attempts to mask it with a tacked-on statement of love.
Tell them that you feel like they are pressuring you into doing something you don’t want to do.
Do I have a say in this? Does this seem reasonable to you? Are you asking me or telling me? What do I get out of this? Does what you want from me sound fair?
Learning to firmly say no is an important part of not allowing yourself to be manipulated.
Most of the time, this person will not want to continue the relationship. Do not be depressed about this. Recognize the fact that your life was not improved at all by this person.
Try telling them that you appreciate the compliment, but you don’t feel like you’ve done enough to deserve such comments.
Recognizing the reasons you feel compelled to help, or are easily manipulated, will help you avoid similar situations in the future.
This doesn’t mean that you have to end the friendship or relationship. Just be more in control of how often you see the person and under what circumstances.
“Are you really gonna wear that dress to the party?” “You should stop laughing that loud. " “You shouldn’t wear loose jeans. No one likes a girl that wears loose jeans. "
An outside party will notice things that you miss because you are too involved in the situation.
You could even go on vacation for a while to get some peace and quiet away from everyone.
