For example, you might tell your child that you love them before you tuck them into bed at night, or you might tell them when they are feeling sad or mad.
For example, instead of asking, “Did you have a good day,” ask, “What was the coolest thing you learned at school,” or “What’s something funny that happened today?” Your child will be more likely to confide in you if you regularly spend quality time together. If you think they’re dealing with a problem, avoid pushing them to tell you. Instead of making demands, let them know they can trust you, and say, “I’m happy to listen or offer advice if you need it. ” They might feel more comfortable talking about difficult topics if you give them some space.
Learn about your child’s interests, and do things together related to those interests. If they love music, go to a concert together. If they’re passionate about baseball, go to college or professional games whenever possible. Let your child pick the activities, within reason. They might be more likely get excited about spending quality time together when they’re allowed to make decisions. Keep in mind that doesn’t mean you need to break the bank to do a costly activity. [6] X Research source
Suppose they’re having problems with a peer at school. When you pick them up and they seem withdrawn, ask, “Did Sam say mean things to you again? Would you like to talk about it? You know, talking about your feelings instead of bottling them up might help you feel better. ” Your child might be shy about discussing their feelings or not have the words to tell their story. Saying, “You seem sad,” or asking, “Did that make you feel angry,” can help them learn how to understand and express their emotions.
Don’t take it personally if your child doesn’t want to open up to you. Whether they’re getting bullied or having trouble with their grades, some subjects are tough to discuss with parents. They’re better off talking to someone else than bottling up their feelings. If they open up to a trusted loved one, it’s best to respect their privacy. If they’re not in danger or breaking the law, respecting their boundaries is the healthiest option.
For instance, point at a drawing and say, “Kitty won a prize and is happy,” or ask, “What do you think this face means?” Songs and games such as “When you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands” can help them connect actions with emotions. In addition to helping them recognize others’ emotions, ask your child how they might help a sad or angry character. Ask, for example, “Kitty took doggie’s toys, and doggie is sad. How can we help doggie feel better?”
If you child is crying because they want a toy, say, “I know you’re sad because you want the toy, and I want to help. Maybe if you use your nice voice we can find a fun game to play. ” Make sure to teach your child that there are appropriate places and inappropriate places for displays of emotion. For example, it is inappropriate for your child to have a temper tantrum in a public place. Let them know that if they feel angry, they need to tell you that.
No matter their age, remember to always give your child your undivided attention during conversations. Don’t play on your phone or answer emails when they’re telling you about their feelings. Sometimes, you might need to resist the urge to scold or lecture. For example, suppose your child has a bad attitude during dinner. Instead of scolding them for being fresh, try asking why they’re upset. Comfort them, if necessary, and stress that it’s better to talk about feelings instead of holding them in and making a scene. [13] X Research source
Regulating your emotions doesn’t mean you should act like a robot in front of your kids. It’s good to express emotions in front of them, whether you’re elated or upset. However, you should demonstrate self-control in the moment, such as by taking deep breaths or counting to 10. In the long-term, you can blow off steam by exercising, listening to music, or writing. If your kids are around when you are working on calming yourself down, explain to them what you are doing. Say something like, “Mommy had a bad day at work, so she is going to take some deep breaths to make the mad feelings go away. " Then, take deep breaths and tell your child when you feel better.
If your child steals a toy, explain that their actions have consequences and they need to say that they’re sorry. Ask, “How would you feel if someone took your toy? Wouldn’t you be sad? That’s how you made Sam feel. ” When one child hurts another, make sure to give lots of affection to the one who was hurt. Say, “Oh I’m so sorry that Sally took your toy! That wasn’t very nice, and I know it makes you very sad. ” Modeling empathy can help the other child understand that they shouldn’t hurt others.
Say, it’s okay to feel angry or mad. Everyone gets angry. But it’s never okay to break things, hit others, or call people mean names. ” Remind your child that their emotions do not control them. They control their emotions and can respond to them in positive ways. You can help your child learn how to name their emotions by teaching them how the emotion might make them feel physically, such as clenching their fists if they feel mad or a heaviness in their chest when they feel sad. Make sure to use simple words to describe emotions when you talk with your kids about them. Use the words glad, mad, scared, and sad.
Tell your child, “When you’re angry, it’s important to stay in control of your actions. Instead of yelling or hitting, we can take deep breaths to relax, sing a song, or draw a picture of why we’re angry. ” If you child is acting angry, ask them where in their body they feel the emotion. Then, offer to let them hit a pillow and make noises to express their mad feelings. At a certain point, your child might start to giggle and seem to feel better. Ask them where the mad went to engage them in problem-solving about expressing their emotions.
Say, “It’s okay to cry when you’re sad. It helps to get the sad feelings out. If you need a hug, ask for one. Talking about why you’re sad with someone who cares for you could help you feel better. But, if you want to be by yourself and listen to music, that’s okay, too. ” Grief and loss can be difficult emotions for children to process. If a pet dies or a relative passes away, drawing pictures, looking at photographs, creating scrapbooks, making memorials, and telling stories are helpful outlets for grief. Try showing your child the movie Inside Out and use it as a way to talk with your child about emotions and explain how those emotions affect them physically.
Offer advice such as, “Sometimes problems seem overwhelming, but many challenges are temporary and solvable. When a situation seems too big to handle, break it up into small, doable steps. Remind yourself, “I can do this”. Assure them that, “I’m always here for you, too. When you find yourself in a tough situation and don’t know what to do, come to me. We can find a solution together. ” Try to resist urges to solve your child’s problems for them. When they need help, find solutions with them instead of for them. Encouraging your child to solve problems independently can help them develop emotional resilience. That way, as adults, they’ll have the tools needed to manage anger, frustration, worry, and other intense emotions. You may also want to teach your child how to use a grounding exercise, such as the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise. Have your child name 5 things they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell, and 1 good thing. After your child is calm, then you can talk with them about their emotions.
Crying or seeming extra moody Acting clingy or frightened Sleeping too much or not enough Overeating or undereating Avoiding parents and/or friends Showing hostility towards adults and other kids Expressing worries or complaining more than usual
For example, teach your preschooler how to tie their shoes and pick out their outfits, let your middle schooler help out in the kitchen, and teach your teen how to drive. Allow your preteen or teen to have a say in how and when to complete tasks, such as doing homework, taking out the trash, or cleaning their room. Confidence and resilience are key aspects of emotional health. When a confident, independent person faces a struggle, they’re more likely to persevere instead of letting fear, anger, or sadness overwhelm them. Keep in mind this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t supervise your child or put them in danger. For instance, if your kindergartner helps you in the kitchen, don’t let them use a sharp object or touch the stove.
Self-respect and respect for others are invaluable life skills. An emotionally healthy person enforces boundaries and doesn’t let others take advantage of their emotions. They also understand that their actions impact the emotions of other people. For example, if your young child doesn’t want to be tickled, respect their wishes. Your teen, for instance, has a right to ask you to knock before entering their room. Respect their boundaries, unless you suspect they’re in danger or violating your trust.
For example, suppose you work at night and your spouse lets your child stay up hours past their bedtime watching inappropriate TV shows. Tell your spouse, “We need to get on the same page. If we don’t enforce the same rules, our child isn’t going to respect our authority. ” If you and your child’s other parent aren’t together, try to establish the same rules and consequences in both of your households. This will set up consistent, predictable expectations for your child, and help prevent a situation where one parent is more lenient than the other.
Make it a rule that your child has to keep their phone in a common area overnight instead of taking it to bed. During family meals, set a no-phone rule. More time for quality communication can encourage your child to open up to you about their emotions. Be sure to follow your own screen time rules. Don’t play on your phone during dinner, or text while your child is telling you about their day. Keep in mind strict screen time rules can make your child feel excluded at school. It might be helpful to talk to their teachers or friends’ parents about general guidelines for cell phones and social media use.
For example, if they ditched practice to hang out with friends, the natural consequence is that they get kicked off of the team. If your preschooler colors on the walls, make them clean it up, and take their crayons away for the rest of the day. If your teen stays out past their curfew, ground them for a weekend or set a curfew that’s an hour earlier. Your aim should be to correct the behavior, not vent your frustrations. Screaming at them or issuing a harsh punishment that’s not related to the broken rule aren’t effective teaching tools.
For example, you could model self-care by giving yourself a manicure, or by taking a long bath once per week. Let your child know that they can devote time to self-care in this way, too. Self-care may also include setting aside time for a favorite hobby, such as reading, knitting, or going for a hike.
