Tell them, “I know this is isn’t easy. Thank you for being honest with me. It’s important that we can talk to each other openly, and you should never be afraid to share something with me. ” If they told you and you’ve already reacted negatively, ask them to sit down and talk with you. Say, “That was a lot of information for me to process, and I’m sorry that I reacted poorly. I know it took a lot of courage to tell me, and I’m grateful that you’re honest with me. ” Be honest about how you feel and reassure your child that you love them no matter what.
You may think or hope that this is a phase and that they’ll outgrow it. Even if they realize they aren’t what they thought they were in the future, allowing them to explore their gender expression is important for their mental health.
Ask, “Are you comfortable with your name, or have you chosen another name? Do you want me to use pronouns other than he or she?” These may include they/them/theirs/themselves or ze/hir/hirs/hirself. Ask how they want to express themselves as nonbinary, such as through their clothing or hairstyle. Ask, “What does expressing yourself as nonbinary mean to you? Do you want to be open about it at school and in public, or do you need a safe space at home for now?” For teens and young adults, see if they’ve thought about the future. Ask if they’re considering gender-affirming medical treatments or changing their gender legally (if nonbinary status is available in your jurisdiction). Ask what you can do to support them. In a gentle, sincere manner, ask, “What can I do for you? Is there anything in particular that you need from me?”
Think of gender as a dial instead of a switch; it’s a spectrum. It might confusing and difficult to process, but some people do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth. Imagine how you’d feel if someone refused to call you by what you feel are the right pronouns and name. Calling your child by the wrong pronouns and name is even more upsetting.
Let your child inform others and make their preferences clear on their own terms.
Check out Gender Spectrum for information about gender psychology, tips for parents, and personal stories written by trans children and their parents: https://www. genderspectrum. org. Support groups and a counselor familiar with gender identity can also direct you to helpful resources.
Search online for mental health professionals and support groups for nonbinary or trans children and their families. Look for counselors who are experienced with and supportive of LGBT children. [7] X Research source Keep in mind seeking counseling does not mean there’s something wrong with being nonbinary or trans. Avoid using therapy as a means to change or suppress your child’s gender identity. [8] X Research source
Express your emotions, but try not to appear too distressed in front of your child. Let them know that you need to process your emotions and will adjust in time. However, do your best not to make them think they’ve completely disappointed you. Feelings of guilt are also common, but don’t blame yourself. Gender Dysphoria is not caused by poor parenting. You did not do anything wrong. Your child is the same person as they were before they told you, and they are still your child.
Suppose your male-assigned child is pretending to be a princess at playtime, and a friend or relative raises their eyebrow. Instead of tolerating criticism or being critical yourself, say something like “Isn’t it great that he’s not afraid to be himself. ” Don’t be ashamed of your child and, unless their safety is at risk, don’t exclude them from family events. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with you or your child. You’re doing the right thing by allowing them to express their authentic self. Be prepared to defend your child if others bully them or criticize them in front of you. Think about what you will do and say ahead of time so that you will be prepared for these types of situations. The way that you respond demonstrates your support for your child.
Look for your local PFLAG chapter, which can connect you with other parents and loved ones of LGBTQ individuals, at https://www. pflag. org. Seeing a counselor individually (or with your partner or co-parent) can also help you process your emotions.
Try to be aware of your child’s emotional wellbeing. For instance, if your child was assigned female at birth but wearing dresses distresses them, don’t force them to wear feminine clothing. You might be more comfortable allowing your young child to explore their gender expression at home only, especially at first. If most people in your area are intolerant of LGBTQ individuals, ask yourself if letting your child explore their gender publicly is safe.
Say, “People expect boys and girls to act in certain ways or play with certain toys. It’s okay if you don’t want to play with the toys or wear the clothes people expect. Plenty of people are nice about it, but some people can be very mean. ” Remind them that, “If someone makes fun of you, don’t let them make you feel bad about yourself. Try to remain calm and get help from a grown-up. ” As a parent, it’s tough to know that your child could encounter adversity. Gently prepare them when they first have urges to explore their gender expression. As they get older, try to realize that suppressing who they are can be even more painful than being bullied. Encourage your child to develop support systems early so that they will always have people to turn to.
Children develop at different rates; there’s no set age at which a child starts making informed decisions. A supportive pediatrician and counselor can help you figure out when to make major moves, like informing their school or considering hormone therapy (most often legal at age 16). For example, let your male-assigned child play with dolls if they want, and don’t force your female-assigned child to wear dresses. However, in most cases, wait to transition socially until you and their counselor determine that your child is developmentally ready. [15] X Research source In some cases, children as young as 3 to 4 experience Gender Dysphoria, distress due to the conflict between their gender identity and assigned sex. For children who have Gender Dysphoria, a “watch and wait” approach can be traumatizing. A counselor can help you decide if openly transitioning would be healthier for your younger child.
Gender nonconformity is not a disorder. However, living life as a gender that’s not consistent with your identity can cause anxiety and depression, and even lead to self-harm. Your child’s pediatrician and counselor can help your child cope and give you advice about meeting their needs. [17] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
An open-ended question asks for more than a yes or no response. An example would be, “What was the most interesting thing you learned today?” Topics from bullying to sexuality are hard to talk about, and may be particularly sensitive for a nonbinary teen. If you build a strong bond, your teen might be more comfortable with discussing delicate subjects with you.
It might be uncomfortable to talk about, but try to be compassionate. You could bring it up by saying, “It’s tough for any teenager to go through puberty and see their body change. It’s even harder if your body doesn’t match up with your sense of self. ” Ask them questions, but try not to put them on the spot. Try saying, “How do you feel about your body? I know it’s kind of an awkward topic, but please know I’m here if you want to talk about anything. ” If they’re unhappy with their body, suggest practical solutions. Examples include chest binding and waxing or plucking facial hair.
Additionally, you or your child can write a letter to the school administration informing the staff of your child’s correct name and pronouns. Keep in mind a support group for similar youth can help your teen cope with facing adversity at school. If you live in an area that’s intolerant of LGBTQ individuals and believe your child’s safety would be at risk, discuss your concerns with them. Gently tell them, “I understand this is difficult, but please remember your safety comes first. I love you, and I don’t want you to get hurt. I can’t keep you from expressing who you are, but our community isn’t as accepting as other places. ”
A pediatrician and a mental health professional experienced with Gender Dysphoria can help you and your child decide if hormonal therapy is the right course of action. Hormone treatments may be injected, applied topically, or taken orally. Side effects depend on the treatment regimen, but could include decreased bone density, weight gain, changes in mood, and pain or irritation at the injection site. [22] X Research source If you need help paying for treatments, look online for LGBTQ non-profit organizations that offer grants for hormonal therapy.
