Think about what you’ll say beforehand. Don’t just tell them a straight out “no”; try to explain it in a way that’s not harsh or cutting. Choose your words carefully. If you want to practice beforehand in the mirror, or with a sympathetic friend or sibling, do it. Make sure you are getting your message across clearly but compassionately. Be prepared to adapt, though, based on his/her reactions. You don’t want to sound like you’re reading from a script. Practice adjusting to various scenarios.
Pick a good time to do it – maybe not the person’s birthday or the night before a big test or job interview – but don’t keep waiting for the “right time. ” The right time is now. If you’re already in a long-term relationship with someone, many of the tips expressed here will be helpful, but there are unique challenges as well. Take a look at How to Break Up or How to Break Up with a Guy Nicely for ideas.
A face-to-face rejection allows you to immediately see how the other person is reacting to the news – surprise, anger, maybe even relief – and lets you adjust accordingly. [3] X Research source Find a quiet, private (or at least semi-private) place to do the deed. No one wants to be rejected in the middle of a crowd, or not be sure of what they’re hearing. If you’re hesitant to be alone, at least find a semi-secluded part of the restaurant, shopping mall, club, etc.
Loosen them up beforehand with some pleasant conversation, but don’t overdo it. You need to be able to transition to the serious business at hand without seeming flippant or thoughtless. Begin with a good transition to rejection mode – perhaps something like “It’s been great getting to know you, but. . . “; “I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and…”; or “I’m glad we tried this, but…”.
Give the real reasons for turning them away, but don’t blame them. [5] X Expert Source Christina Jay, NLPDating & Relationship Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2020. Stick to “I” statements, where you focus on your needs, feelings, and perspectives. Yes, “it’s not you, it’s me” is an old cliché, but in principle it has value as a strategy. [6] X Research source Instead of “I can’t be with a disorganized slob whose life is a mess;” try “I am just the type of person who needs order and structure in my life. " Talk about how you thought your [insert peculiarities here] would mesh with his/her [insert peculiarities here], and you’re glad you tried, but you don’t feel like it can work out.
If you don’t give the other person an opportunity to be involved in the process, it is easier for him/her to feel like it’s not really over or there’s still a chance. Be sympathetic and let the other person display sadness, cry, or even vent some frustration – but you don’t have to stand for outright anger or verbal abuse.
Be appropriately apologetic, put a hand on the person’s shoulder, but don’t backtrack. Stick to your breakup “talking points. ” Try “I’m sorry this hurts. It’s not easy for me either, but I’m certain it’s what’s best for both of us. " Don’t let the other person try to trap you by pointing out flaws in your reasoning; promising changes in exchange for reconsideration; or explaining that you have him or her all wrong. You’re not in a court of law. Don’t give any reason for false hope. Avoid saying you’re not ready “yet,” or want to try being “just friends” (even if you do want that, it’s probably best to leave it for another time). The other person may sense seeds of doubt and another chance in the near future. [7] X Research source
Discuss why things you enjoy about the friendship wouldn’t work as a romance. For instance: “I love how spontaneous and fun you are, and how I get to be that way with you as an escape; but you know that I’m someone who functions best with structure and consistency, and that’s what I need in a romantic relationship. " Accept the awkwardness of the situation. It’s going to be a difficult, uncomfortable discussion, especially once you say “no. " Don’t make the person feel bad about putting the two of you in this situation (“Sooooo . . . this is awkward, isn’t it?”). Thank your friend for being honest about his or her true feelings. Accept that the friendship may end. The other person has already decided that he/she doesn’t want things to continue as is. No matter your preference, there may be no going back. Try saying “I really would love to remain friends, but I know you may need some time. I’ll be happy to talk to you about it again whenever you feel ready. "
Something as simple as “It was nice talking to you, but I’d like to just leave it at that. Thanks,” might do the trick.
Stick to the “I” statements again. Focus on why you aren’t suited for a person like him/her. Maybe “I’m sorry, I don’t share your passion for [extreme sports/world travel/online poker], so I know we wouldn’t end up a good fit. "
If you really have to use the fake boyfriend/girlfriend routine, at least don’t start with it. Try an honest, direct, kind denial of interest first. It will usually do the trick.
Be careful with sarcasm. It may be obvious sarcasm to you to say “Oh, as if someone like me would ever go out with someone like you” with a fake, highfalutin voice and appropriate smirk at the end, and maybe the other person would usually get the joke as well, but he/she may not pick up on it while reacting to being rejected.
“I’m sorry, I’m not interested in pursuing this further, and that’s all there is to say. Good luck and goodbye. "
Lie as little as you think you need to. A smaller lie is easier to sell than a big one. Trot out that fake phone number or fake boyfriend/girlfriend if you need to. Or try (“I” focused) statements like “I just got out of a long-term relationship;” “I don’t date outside of my religion/culture;” or “I think you look too much like my brother/sister. ”[13] X Research source
Don’t ignore their texts/calls/emails until after you have clearly expressed your desire not to be involved. Once you’ve made yourself clear, then you can ignore their pleas, complaints, rants, etc. If you ever feel threatened or unsafe because of the other person, get help and/or contact the authorities. Some people really can’t handle rejection.
