If you know in advance they’ll be telling you something personal, eliminate distractions and possible interruptions in advance. For example, you might turn the TV off and ask your kids to play in their room. Avoid checking your alerts and notifications while the person is talking. Give them your full attention. If you two are conversing over a meal, put your fork down, look at them, and focus on listening.
Active listening techniques may be helpful, such as asking for clarification, summarizing, and repeating back what they have said to you. Look at them while they are talking. This is a clear way to let them know you’re paying attention. Notice if they seem to be having a difficult time telling you about their childhood. For example, are they hesitating a lot? Is their voice softer than usual or does it sound strained? Think about what they are telling you. Focus your mind on understanding their story.
Does their body seem tense? For instance, is their jaw tense? Are their lips pressed tightly together? Do they seem nervous or anxious? For example, are they sweating or shaking? Are they pacing or do they seem fidgety? Do they seem to be having trouble breathing? Is their breath shallow or really fast? Do they seem to have trouble making eye contact with you?
Visualize what they are telling you. This will help you take their perspective. For example, if they’re telling you about living in foster care, picture moving into a new bedroom every few months. Imagine how you would have felt if you had their childhood. For instance, you might think about how confusing and isolating it might be to have a serious childhood disease.
Keep your breathing slow and steady. If you need to, silently remind yourself to inhale slowly, hold it for a second, and then release it slowly. Also, focus on your body and see if you are demonstrating any restlessness, tension, or other indicators of discomfort. Remind yourself that although what happened to them wasn’t good, they’re okay now and here with you.
Depending on the relationship, a display of touch may be appropriate. Place a hand on their hand or arm briefly to display empathy. You might also try saying, “I know it wasn’t easy for you to tell me this. You’re very brave. Thank you for trusting me. ” Or, you could try, “Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it was hard for you to talk about, but I’m glad you did. ”
You might say something like, “I can’t begin to understand what that must have been like. I do know that you’re really brave and strong for getting through it. ” Or, you might say, “Even though I can’t imagine having a childhood like that, I do feel empathy for what you went through. ”
For example, you might say, “Do you feel comfortable telling me more about what happened? I want to fully understand. " If they say they don’t feel comfortable answering a question, you might say, “It’s okay. I understand that this is difficult for you. You tell me what you’re comfortable with. ”
You might say something like, “I know this wasn’t easy for you to talk about. I believe what you’ve told me and thank you for trusting me. ” Or, you might simply say, “I believe you. ”
For example, you might say, “What happened to you isn’t your fault. You were a child and had no control over it. ” Or, for instance, you could try saying, “You aren’t to blame for what happened. You are brave, though, for talking about it now. ”
You don’t have to help them ‘process’ what happened. For instance, don’t try to get them to remember ‘repressed’ memories. Encourage them to seek professional help if you feel their childhood might still be affecting them. You might say, “It seems this still hurts you. Have you considered talking to a counselor?”
If they seem to be having a difficult time coping with what they told you, you might check on them every day or couple of days. You might call and say, “Hi! How’re you doing? Are you okay after our talk?” Stop by and see them when you can. Sometimes people can sound fine, but seeing them can give you the full story.
A powerful way to do this is often in writing. Send them a card with a heartfelt message. This effort lets them know that your support is genuine and not just something you said. You might offer to just be with them. You don’t have to do or say anything, sometimes a person’s presence is enough. Offer to listen if they want to talk more. For example, you might say, “I’m here if you need to talk about this more. Just let me know. ”
For example, you might say, “Something like that seems hard to get over. Have you thought about talking to a therapist about it?” Or, for instance, you could tell them, “I think your childhood might still be affecting you. Would you consider seeing a counselor to work through it?” If you have seen a counselor yourself, then you can say, “I talked to someone about what happened to me and it was incredibly helpful. " Making it about you and not them helps with stigmatization. You could refer them to a hotline such as 1-800-656-4673 or suggest that they text crisis counselors by texting ‘GO’ to 741741.
For example, if your cousin tells you that a relative abused them it might be emotionally challenging for you to handle. Or, for instance, if your spouse was a young runaway it might be hard for you to accept. Think about what they told and write down all the emotions that you feel as you’re thinking about it. For example, you might write, “frightened, sad, disappointed, confused. ”
You might go for a walk after you get through talking to the person. Even a brief walk can help clear your mind and calm you down. Try meditating for a while. Sit or lie somewhere comfortable. Close your eyes and try to focus on your breathing.
If you don’t feel comfortable telling them what has you upset, you might say something like, “I don’t want to go into details, but I’m upset and just need someone to be with me. ” Or, if you’re trying to respect the privacy of the person that confided in you, you could say, “It’s someone else’s private matter, but it has me upset. Can we just talk about my feelings?” Spend some time doing something relaxing, calming, or even fun to help you release your stress and tension.
