She might want to talk about her feelings right away, but she might also want time alone. Simply let her know that you’re there for her when she’s ready.
Don’t assume that you know what she’s feeling; it could be anything from sadness, pain, and regret to guilt, anger, or even relief. Make sure she knows that it’s OK to feel this way, and that, no matter what, you won’t judge her. Ask her open-ended questions about what she’s feeling, what she’s been through, and what she wants next. Say things like, “This is a really hard situation for both of us. I care about you and I’m here for you no matter what. ” If she has negative feelings towards you afterwards, respond calmly and with compassion, even if you’re getting upset. Say, “I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s incredibly hard and all I want to do is help. ” Offer to leave her alone for a while if that’s what she needs.
Don’t try to talk her out of her feelings, even as a way to protect her. Letting her feel her emotions will help her work through them and start to heal. Say something like, “You’re going through so much right now—we both are. I know it feels so hard, but you’re strong, you’ll get through this, and I’m here for you. ”
Do your best not to lay the blame on your girlfriend or lash out at her. It’s over with now, and getting angry or upset with her will only make things worse. If you need to talk about your feelings right away, say, “I’m feeling really upset about this. When you’re feeling up to it, I’d like to talk about what’s going on with me. ” If you need time away from your girlfriend, say “I need some time on my own to think about how I feel. I care about you so much and I don’t want to accidentally say something hurtful while you’re recovering. ”
Planned Parenthood[4] X Research source Exhale [5] X Research source Project Voice[6] X Research source All Options [7] X Research source
Feelings of sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness Anger or irritability, sometimes over small issues Loss of interest in normal activities Lack of energy Sleep disturbances Changes in appetite or weight Trouble thinking, concentrating, or making decisions[9] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
Say something simple and gentle, like, “Do you want me to stay with you for a while, or do you want some alone time?” Your girlfriend might not feel like being touched or being around others after the abortion. Remember that this is not a reflection on you, but that she simply needs time to recover emotionally and physically.
Say, “I’m here to help you. Let me know if I can do anything to make you more comfortable. ”
Ask the doctor or look online to know when a serious side effect needs extra attention. This could include heavy, persistent bleeding, fever, strong-smelling vaginal discharge, chills, or severe abdominal pain. You should avoid having sex for about 2 weeks after the abortion, as this can cause an infection. Your girlfriend will have to stop using tampons for 2 weeks as well.
If she already has a friend or family member helping her out with this, ask if there’s anything else you can do to help.
You could also include a note telling her how much you care about her. These small gestures can help to brighten up what might be a tough day for her.
Bring up birth control after waiting a week or two, or whenever it feels like the right time. Wait for a moment when you’re both alone and feeling calm. Say, “I wanted to talk about other birth control options before we start sleeping together again. I’ve been thinking about ways I could help and wanted to see what you thought. ” Possible birth control options include condoms, spermicide, vasectomy (a permanent sterilization), or helping your girlfriend to track her fertility. [16] X Research source
You might feel relief, loss, regret, guilt, confusion, or powerlessness. If you’re feeling really negative about the situation, try talking to a counselor or someone that you trust like a family member or close friend. Try to parse out why you feel the way you do to help you understand your emotions. It’s normal not to have the same reaction as your girlfriend, so don’t worry if this is the case. If you don’t talk about your feelings about the abortion, it could affect your relationship moving forward.
Use your best instincts to know when the time is right to talk. You know your girlfriend well; you might want to wait a few days or a week to talk, or she might want to discuss your feelings sooner than that. If she wants to talk about your feelings but you’re not yet ready, be honest. Say, “I’m not really ready to talk about that just yet. I know you’re here for me and I’ll let you know when I’m feeling up to it. ”
Your girlfriend might not be comfortable with you talking to others about something very personal. Set boundaries together and try to figure out a compromise that works for both of you Remember that your mental health is a priority. If she refuse to compromise, seek out the help you need on your own. If your relationship feels strained after the abortion, talk about trying couples therapy together. Say, “We’re both going through a lot right now and I think talking to a professional could really help. ”
The recovery process might be hard for one or both of you. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling and talk to each other often. It takes time, but you will both heal and be able to move on. Focus on healing your mind and spirit through activities like art, meditation, exercise, and talking with people you trust.
