You’re each entitled to your individual physical and emotional needs. Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and find ways to compromise with each other.
For example, lower sex drive is a side effect of some medications, such as antidepressants. Circulatory disorders and other conditions can interfere with sexual arousal. Chemotherapy and other cancer treatments can cause weakness, nausea, diarrhea, and flu-like symptoms. Nerve, joint, bone, and muscular disorders and injuries can cause chronic pain. Stress, anxiety, and depression can also affect stress drive.
You don’t need to have sex with them just to make them feel better. Explain that you don’t share their sexual desire right now, and ask them not to take it personally. If you’re going through a physical or emotional struggle, mention that you could use their support.
If you feel like your needs aren’t being met, try saying, “I love you, and I want us to be honest with each other. We haven’t been intimate, and it makes me feel insecure. Please don’t feel like I’m accusing you of anything. I just want to talk about how we can meet each other’s needs. ” If you have a lower sexual drive, try explaining, “I know I haven’t been interested in sex, and I don’t want you to feel like you’re to blame. ” Talk about any physical or emotional obstacles you’re dealing with and say, “Even if sex isn’t an option right now, we can still find other ways to be intimate with each other. ”
Say, “I understand where you’re coming from, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m angry with you or blame you in any way. We’re in this together. If we work as a team, we can figure how to make this work for both of us. ”
For instance, you both might decide that your goal is to rekindle your sex life. You could work toward that goal by being open about sexual desires, scheduling more private time together, and trying new things in the bedroom. While it’s a difficult topic, being physically attracted to each other plays a role in sexuality. You might set goals like focusing on why you fell in love with each other, getting more physical activity together, and keeping up with hygiene and grooming. If having sex more often isn’t on the table, discuss ways that you can build intimacy in nonsexual ways, such as by having deep conversations, going on dates, and doing something kind for each other every day.
Try looking for a local certified counselor on the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) directory: https://www. aasect. org/referral-directory. Don’t think of counseling as a negative thing or a sign that your marriage is in trouble. Seeing a counselor shows that you both want to put effort into making your relationship the best it can be.
If you and your spouse are already dealing with infidelity, work through the issue with the help of a counselor. You have a right to experience your emotions, but try to understand the situation from your spouse’s perspective. If you pursued an extramarital affair, acknowledge that it will take time to regain your partner’s trust. If your partner was unfaithful, try to understand that they’re human and have needs, even if those needs don’t excuse their actions. [9] X Research source
You might have a game where you text each other whenever something funny happens during your day. Other examples could be brushing your teeth together, cooking together, or picking up a hobby or taking a class together. Creating enjoyable rituals can help you deepen your friendship with your spouse. Even if sex isn’t currently an option, you can still make your relationship more satisfying in other ways.
You might have a conversation and specifically agree to do something kind for each other every day. Alternatively, you could just start on your own. Before long, your spouse will likely want to reciprocate.
For instance, ask specific open-ended questions such as, “What was the funniest part of your day?” or “What did Sam think about your project?" Avoid “Yes” or “No” questions like “Did you have a good day at work?” or “Did you see your friend?” You could start a thoughtful conversation with, “Did you hear about that new bill they’re debating in the state legislature? It really bothers me that voters won’t have a direct say on the issue. Do you think it should be on the ballot on the next election?” Try sharing your emotions and asking for advice by saying, “I’ve been so upset about this fight I had with my sister. How do you think I should handle the situation?”
While distraction-free time might be limited if you have kids, try to engage each other with full attention after their bedtime.
Being attracted (or not being attracted) to your spouse is a difficult subject, but getting active together can show that you both want to put effort into attracting each other. Knowing that someone puts effort into their appearance for you can be a major turn-on.
Privacy is hard to come by when you have kids. If possible, try getting a babysitter so you can go on a weekend trip or spend a night at a hotel. [16] X Research source
It might be an awkward conversation, but talk to your spouse about grooming habits. You could say, “I know I’m guilty of wearing clothes that are overdue for a wash. If we both make an effort into looking and smelling our best, we might have better luck in the bedroom. ” If you put effort into your hygiene and appearance but your spouse doesn’t, be honest with them. Try telling them, “I love you, and I know this is a tough conversation. It bothers me that you wear the same clothes every day, or when you go too long without showering. I think it would help our relationship if you could put a little more effort into personal hygiene. ”
Touch each other, but avoid making contact with your genitals at first. The goal is to get comfortable with being naked with each other and coming into contact with each other. When you both feel comfortable, work up to more sexual forms of contact. Don’t worry if it takes more than 1 session of sensate focus.
Try saying, “We love each other and we’re married. We can trust each other with our fantasies and desires. I won’t judge you, and I hope you won’t judge me. ” When your partner touches you and it feels good, let them know. If they need instruction, tell them how you want them to touch you, and ask them how they want you to touch them.
For instance, ask if they can recommend an alternative medication with fewer side effects, or if they have tips for management pain. If you or your spouse haven’t already been diagnosed with a medical condition, your doctor might identify an underlying issue related that might affect sexual desire. If sex isn’t an option, don’t force it on yourself or your partner. Have patience, work on nonsexual forms of intimacy, and revisit sexuality in the future.
