Non-harmful stimming, such as hand flapping or rocking[4] X Research source [5] X Research source (You may hear phrases such as “quiet hands” and “table ready” to indicate suppression of stims. ) Toe-walking Avoidance of eye contact[6] X Research source [7] X Research source Introversion or a desire for a quiet social life [8] X Research source Other quirks or harmless differences
No one should be pushed to smile or act happy if they do not feel happy. Hugs and kisses should not be trained or pressured, even if it means hurting feelings. The right to set boundaries is important in arming your loved one against sexual and emotional abuse. [10] X Research source [11] X Research source
Building emotional regulation skills and being helped to identify one’s own emotions [16] X Research source [17] X Research source Finding comfortable and non-harmful stims, instead of extinguishing all stimming that doesn’t look “socially acceptable” [18] X Research source Finding ways to accommodate and alleviate sensory issues [19] X Research source [20] X Research source Gaining social skills in a friendly environment (note: terms like “social skills” or “pragmatic language” can also be used as euphemisms for being taught to socialize in non-autistic ways, such as reinforcing eye contact or rigid social scripts that encourage masking [21] X Research source , so be mindful that your child is consensually learning skills that are universally helpful across neurotypes, which include assertiveness and self-advocacy as well as making friends [22] X Research source [23] X Research source Learning perspective-taking skills and gaining an understanding of why non-autistic people act the way they do [24] X Research source Discussing and working on your loved one’s own personal goals
Words such as “yes,” “no,” “stop,” “hungry,” and “hurt” are more necessary than “I love you” or “Mommy. " Behavior and nonverbal communication should be honored and respected, even as someone is learning to communicate via AAC or speech. [26] X Research source
A nonspeaking or partially nonspeaking loved one is able to think more deeply than they can communicate. [28] X Research source [29] X Research source Their body may not always obey them, so they may not be able to accurately point to the things they want to point to. [30] X Research source [31] X Trustworthy Source Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network Nonprofit organization providing community, support, and resources for Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, and those identifying as other marginalized genders. Go to source [32] X Research source The therapist should care about why your loved one does what they do, and never assume that a behavior is meaningless, nor should they choose to ignore what the autistic person might be trying to communicate. [33] X Research source [34] X Research source [35] X Research source Schoolwork designed for a four-year-old is not appropriate for a sixteen-year-old.
Think if it would be better described as cooperation or as compliance. [37] X Research source Your loved one should be able to voice concerns, opinions, and goals. They should have input in their own treatment. A therapist needs to honor a “no. " If your loved one is ignored when they say “no,” they learn that the word “no” is not important and they do not need to listen to it. [38] X Research source Find a fun therapy for your loved one if you can. Many good therapies feel like structured playtime.
Your loved one should be taken seriously when they say no or express discomfort (verbally or not). [39] X Research source Bullying and sexual abuse victimization rates are high in autistic children (and adults). Consider asking that assertiveness training be part of your loved one’s therapy program. [40] X Research source [41] X Research source
Acting out is usually a sign that someone doesn’t know how to handle their emotions. The best way to handle this isn’t to enforce an immediate punishment, but to help the person label the feeling, cope, and find a constructive way to take action. [42] X Research source For example, if a little girl cries when her crayon breaks, a bad therapist might try to control her behavior and make her stop crying. A good therapist might show empathy, help her find words to describe how she’s feeling, and then show her what she can do (like asking an adult to help her tape the crayon back together).
Food Access to beloved things, such as their special interest or their teddy bear Negative reinforcers, aka “aversives” or corporal punishment (e. g. slapping, squirting vinegar in the mouth, spraying water in the face, forced inhalation of ammonia, electric shocks)[45] X Research source [46] X Research source [47] X Research source Ability to take breaks Too many reinforcers; the autistic person’s life is a series of tokens and exchanges, or they are losing internal motivation[48] X Research source
Oftentimes “bad” or “weird” behavior is an attempt to communicate a feeling or need. Having communication attempts ignored can erode trust and make the person feel frustrated and helpless. [49] X Research source Sometimes planned ignoring results in dramatic escalation as the child tries to get a physical or emotional need met. [50] X Research source
40 hours per week of therapy is as demanding as a full-time job. This can be exhausting, especially for young children. [52] X Research source A good therapist will encourage your loved one to communicate the need for a break, and allow a break whenever the autistic person or the therapist thinks one is needed. A bad therapist may only let the person have a break if they have “earned” it as a reward.
A bad therapist will keep imposing the same commands and lessons over and over, even if the person clearly isn’t learning with this approach. In extreme cases, bad therapists have tried to train children to overcome medical conditions outside the child’s control. [54] X Research source A good therapist will be willing to say “this isn’t working. " They’ll either find a new way to teach or decide to focus on a different goal for now. A good therapist may incorporate the person’s interests and skills to help with learning. For example, a child who loves board games can learn counting and math skills with a board game. A child who loves blocks can learn to sort things with labels taped to blocks. A child who loves dogs can learn to write by writing sentences about dogs. [55] X Research source
A good therapist will be careful not to push your loved one too hard. If the person is stressed, the therapist will empathize and comfort them or let them take a break. A bad therapist will not stop if they are causing distress, or may push even harder. [57] X Research source They may provoke a meltdown. [58] X Research source They may train your loved one to obey commands and follow rules even when it is too stressful. [59] X Research source
A good therapist will be honest about what happened, and take steps to prevent it from happening again. They care about your loved one’s emotional pain. Some bad therapists explain these as “tantrums” and insist that these must be dealt with harshly. Too many weeks, months, or years of tears and frustration may lead previously nonviolent children to become aggressive. [60] X Research source [61] X Research source
Aversives, such as spraying vinegar in the mouth or forcing them to eat wasabi[63] X Research source Grabbing and moving the person against their will (including hand-over-hand on an unwilling person)[64] X Research source Forced restraint (slapping hands onto table, pinning them against the floor instead of de-escalating, using prone restraint/face-down restraint/long-term restraint even though this can be and has been lethal[65] X Research source ) Trapping them (“calm down” rooms with locked doors, chairs with straps to hold them down) Red marks, bruises, or cuts on your loved one[66] X Research source
Would you flinch or intervene if you saw a non-autistic sibling or peer being treated this way? Imagine yourself being the autistic person’s age. Would it feel demeaning if you went through this? If a parent treated a non-autistic child this way, would you be calling Child Protective Services?
Running away from the therapist[68] X Research source Crying or screaming Protesting (like saying “I hate you” or “No!”) Pleading or making excuses Flopping to the floor and refusing to get up after you pause and offer them a hand Hiding Resisting when being grabbed or dragged to the therapy room Aggression
Is your loved one rubbing their eyes, turning away, avoiding or refusing demands, moving slowly, or whining/complaining a lot? Does the therapist recognize these as signs of being tired, or does the therapist consider this to be “problem behavior” or “disobedience”? When the person shows signs of being worn out or distressed, does the therapist let them take a break or transition to an easier activity? Or does the therapist keep pushing until the child either gives up or has an outburst or panic attack?
Bad days do happen, and your loved one may cry in therapy. If this happens, consider what role the therapist played in the cause of distress, and how they responded.
Increased meltdowns Heightened anxiety; decreased trust of adults Loss of skills Extreme behavior: demanding, aggressive, extremely compliant, withdrawn, listless Suicidal thoughts[76] X Research source Increased distress before, during, or after therapy Aggression, if it was never a serious problem before[77] X Research source Other changes in mood, skill, or behavior[78] X Research source
Autism is lifelong. Your loved one cannot be “cured” of autism. “Losing their diagnosis” is not necessarily an optimal outcome, especially if it means that the person is constantly suppressing their feelings and desires. Autistic people are very diverse. [79] X Research source There is a common saying in the autistic community: “If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. " Autism is a spectrum, meaning it affects people in different ways. A one-size-fits-all approach is unlikely to meet your loved one’s individual needs. Other good therapies do exist. If a therapy claims that it is the “chemotherapy of autism,” or that all other therapies are bogus, your therapist is not being honest. Quitting ABA is not dooming your child. [80] X Research source ABA teaches some tasks better than others. It can be useful to teach physical skills like getting dressed or tapping shoulders to get someone’s attention. Since it is data-driven, it does not work as well for teaching speech or skills involving a mind-body disconnect (e. g. trying to point to the correct card). [81] X Research source [82] X Research source Autistic people have real emotions. If your loved one is acting scared or in pain, it’s probably because they are. They need empathy, not punishment. Autism and happiness aren’t mutually exclusive. Your loved one can live a happy, successful life and be autistic at the same time.
Calling autism a tragedy, horrible burden, life-destroying monster, etc. Calling your loved one “manipulative” or blaming them for any issues that arise[83] X Research source Urging you to punish the loved one more harshly[84] X Trustworthy Source Child Welfare Information Gateway Online portal managed by the U. S. Children’s Bureau providing resources related to childcare and abuse prevention Go to source
If you were to hurt yourself and say “ow,” swear, or cry, other people would usually stop what they were doing to check on or comfort you. According to radical behaviorism, that’s “rewarding the behavior” by caring for you instead of ignoring your pain. [85] X Research source But is it really so bad to teach someone that when they express distress, other people might come help and comfort them?
The therapist may tell you that your presence would be a distraction, or that you would interfere. This is a serious red flag. [86] X Research source If you are not allowed to see the sessions, but the therapist reports back, be aware that there is a possibility that they are distorting the truth or using tame euphemisms for ugly things.
Kids and teens should be able to socialize with their peers (with adequate supervision if necessary), and you should be able to chat with other parents and caregivers.
A bad therapist might tell you not to trust your judgment. This is an enormous red flag. They may be an expert, but that does not mean that your thoughts mean nothing. If you voice lasting disagreement, a bad therapist may try to turn other people against you.
Some parents report that their kids are happier and less anxious once they quit ABA[89] X Research source [90] X Research source or reduced the number of hours of therapy.
