Consider that your friend may just be busy, and may legitimately want to see you. They might send a message like: “Sorry I haven’t returned your calls. . . I’m just so busy with school right now. Let’s get together next week when I have more time. " However, if you continue to get these messages week after week—or no message at all—then you can assume that they are trying to avoid you.
Don’t be too harsh. Things do “come up,” and this person might legitimately feel overwhelmed by their hectic schedule. Excuses indicate avoidance, but they do not necessarily mean that the person doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Some messaging services show you when a recipient has read your message. Use this to gauge whether you’re being ignored. If they read all of your messages, but never respond, this indicates at least that they aren’t interested in holding a message conversation. If your messages don’t show up as “read” or “seen”, you might be able to tell that they’re online from the “Chat” bar or the timing of their other posts. Use your knowledge of the person’s technology habits. If you know that your friend doesn’t log on to Facebook very often, it might be completely in character for them to miss your message. However, if they’re constantly on Facebook, but they don’t respond to your messages, it seems likely that they’re avoiding you.
For example: you say, “Hey, we haven’t talked in a while. How are you?” they say, “Fine,” and walk away. This could indicate that your friend is avoiding you.
Compare this treatment to how the person acts one-on-one. Perhaps they only “avoid” you in group settings, or perhaps they quickly slip away as soon as it’s just the two of you. Try to figure out whether they do this with other people, or just with you. Notice whether the person leaves the room when you enter. If this happens consistently, it may indicate that they don’t want to spend time with you.
The relationship doesn’t progress: it sputters through dramatic skips and hops, or it stagnates, or it actually sets you back. This person is only around when they want something from you. This includes money, attention, sex, or just an ear to talk to. Consider whether you are being consistently used. They only make plans at the last minute. They may just show up at your door or text you late at night without even trying to make plans. If you don’t feel a connection by the third date, you may not be interested in one another. [6] X Expert Source Christina Jay, NLPMatchmaker & Certified Life Coach Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.
Does this person seem to avoid you at certain times, or when you are doing certain things? For instance, maybe you’ve recently begun to experiment with drugs, and your friend doesn’t like to see you in an altered state. Does this person avoid you when you are with certain people? Perhaps you aren’t the one they’re avoiding – or maybe they don’t like how you act around a particular group. Maybe your friend is shy or introverted: they are always down for a one-on-one conversation, but disappear quickly when you show up with a large group. Does this person avoid you when they are trying to work or study? Maybe your friend loves to spend time with you in a relaxed social setting, but finds it hard to get any work done when you’re around.
Also consider how you have changed. Maybe this person acts the same as they always have, but you have begun to act differently. Perhaps you’ve started running with a new crowd of friends, or you’ve picked up a habit that bothers your friend, or you simply haven’t been as available. Growing apart does not mean that you can’t grow back together. If you can feel yourself growing away from someone, it’s your choice whether you let them go or try to keep the relationship alive. Keep in mind, however, that this process must be mutual.
If you aren’t sure why someone is avoiding you, say, “I’ve been meaning to bring this up – I feel like you’ve been avoiding me lately. Did I do something to upset you?” If you know why someone is avoiding you, don’t beat around the bush. Apologize for anything that you’ve done, and try to reconcile the situation. Say, for example, “I’ve feel like things have been awkward between us ever since we had that fight last week. I value our friendship a lot, and I want to talk about this so that we can move past it. This argument isn’t worth ruining our friendship. " You can confront the person by getting them one-on-one, or you can ask a guidance counselor to moderate the conversation. Consider your comfort level, and choose the situation that you think will best resolve the problem.
Do not spread rumors or gossip about the avoidant person. If you value your relationship with this person, be very careful about what you say. If you say negative things behind the person’s back, there’s a decent chance that your words will find your way to their ears – which will only further inflame the situation.
Make your intention clear. Say, “It seems like you need your own space to grow right now, so I’m going to leave you alone. If you ever want to talk, my door’s always open. " Keep your heart open. It can be very difficult to move on with your life and still remain open to letting this person back in. Take a step back from the relationship, remember the good times, and try to let go of any anger.
Letting go does not mean forever. It does not mean that you can’t rekindle a friendship with this person. It simply means that you aren’t spending your precious emotional energy on someone who isn’t receptive to it right now.
