Do I only want a casual romance without any future commitments, or am I looking for a partner for the long run? Do I want someone who will challenge me out of my comfort zone, or someone who matches my expectations? Am I looking for someone who is totally different from my past boyfriends, or someone similar? Try to stay in tune with how or if your feelings have changed. It is important to be open and honest about what you want to get out of the relationship, the tricky thing is sometimes you yourself might not be sure what you want. You might start out thinking you wanted something casual but as time went by your feelings could have grown stronger and you changed to want a long term relationship. [2] X Expert Source Elvina Lui, MFTRelationship Expert Expert Interview. 15 March 2019.
Whether he’s pressuring you to make a commitment or take a major step forward before you’re ready. What he envisions your relationship to be like a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, and so on. If his behavior towards you has changed (or failed to change) after major turning points that the two of you have already taken.
If you feel like he’s rushing you into making a commitment, do you feel reluctant because a committed relationship isn’t what you’re looking for right now? Or, if you do want that, are you just not sure that he’s the right guy for you yet? If you feel like you do want (or did want) to pursue a long-term relationship, is there something he’s done that has made you think twice? Like treating you differently around his friends, or still flirting with other people despite your relationship? Say everything seems to be going perfectly, but you feel reluctant anyway. Does his vision for the future match yours? Would you still be able to meet your life goals in his vision? Consider past relationships. Do you feel like you’re falling into old traps? Or do you feel nervous because things aren’t going the same way as they have before?
If possible, do it face-to-face, rather than over the phone or through text or email, so you can communicate through both words and action. Wait for a private moment when it’s just the two of you so he doesn’t have to worry about prying eyes or ears. Allow plenty of time for a long conversation so you both have a chance to process and respond to each other. [6] X Expert Source Erika KaplanRelationship Advisor Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.
“Hey, do you think we could go to the park or something this weekend, just the two of us? I have something I need to share with you, but I’d like to be together when I do. ” “So, I’ve been thinking about us a lot, and I really want this to work, but I think we need to take a step back and really think this through together. ” “I’m having a great time with you. I’m just a little worried that things are moving a bit fast. I kind of want to savor what we have right now, you know?”
If you feel like you’re being rushed into a commitment, say something like, “I don’t want us to wake up one day and realize we just said, ‘I do,” because we felt like we had to meet some deadline. I want to take our time so we both know we really mean it. ” If he’s done something that makes you second-guess your relationship, like flirting with someone else, address the issue with understanding, like, “I don’t want either of us to feel backed into this. If one of us feels like, hey, there might be someone else I’d be happier with, we should take this slow so it isn’t such a blow to the other person, you know?” Explain how your past relationships have affected you, like, “I don’t want to repeat the disaster I had with John, where we rushed in and got way too serious way too fast before we really had a chance to get to know each other. ”
If you’re in high school, maybe you got swept up in having a serious boyfriend, but now graduation is coming, and you’re unsure of how that will affect things. Explain to him that you just want to be realistic about how your separate plans for college or work might change your relationship, and vice versa. If you’re the one who initiated sex early on, and now you want to ease up on that, assure him that it isn’t like you never want to do it again. You just want to focus on sharing other experiences so you both know that sex isn’t the only attraction between you. Maybe you’re the one who first broached the subject of moving in together, but now you’re having second thoughts. Tell him that you got swept away by your fantasies about the future, which isn’t fair to him. Explain that you need to rethink the idea with a more realistic expectation of what this would mean for your relationship.
You’ve suggested spending less time together during the week. Does he feel like this means you don’t want to see him at all? Or does he accept the idea that giving you more space might actually improve the strength of your relationship? You’ve told him that you’re not ready for sex. Does he consider sex an essential part of a relationship? Or does he appreciate taking your time and getting to know each other better? You’ve shared your discomfort about accepting labels like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend. ” Does he take that to mean that you’re not interested in him at all? Or is he comfortable starting from a more casual starting point with less rigid expectations?
Of course, it may become clear at this point that the best way to move forward is to part ways. If so, don’t consider this a failure on your part. You’ve thought long and hard about what you need from this relationship, so if he can’t agree to that, he was probably never the right guy for you, anyway.
Taking long hikes in parks neither of you have been to before. Going on a day trip to the beach, city, or some other out-of-town destination. Signing up for a murder-mystery dinner or scavenger hunt.
Ask how his day or week has been to show that you still want to know how life is treating him. Maintain strong eye-contact when you talk so he knows he has your full attention. Touch his hand, arm, or back when you laugh or hammer home the point of a story. Ask what he thought of a movie or concert as soon as you walk out of it so he knows that his opinion matters to you.
An added thought or response about a conversation you had the last time you were together. A memory of some adventure or quiet moment you had that came back to you the other day. How you’re looking forward to your next date and what you hope to do.
Not engaging in sexual acts that you aren’t ready for. Not repeating acts that you’ve already performed and didn’t like. Taking a break from making out entirely. Insisting on specific conditions, like contraception or other safe-sex practices.
Don’t feel like you can’t speak up once the two of you get started. It’s your right to slow things down at any time, whether that’s before or during your makeout session. Even if you thought you were game for something at the start, tell him right away if you change your mind as things move forward.
Letting him know why you feel the way you do can help him better understand and respond to your needs. For instance, if you’re reluctant to get too heavy because of trust issues, he will now know that this is an area he needs to work on in general, and not just to get what he wants. If he’s really a stand-up guy, you could also ask him to help you slow things down if you have a tendency to let yourself get carried away in the moment, only to regret it later.
Don’t be afraid to call other people in for help if he refuses to listen. Keep your phone handy, or call for help if there are other people in or near the building. If you end up going along with his desires despite your own, don’t feel like this means you missed your opportunity to end things. Just because you went along with it once doesn’t mean you have to do it again.
