Your family may surprise you by accepting the relationship. On the other hand, some families can harbor secret biases and prejudices, and you may not realize it until you happen to be dating interracially, giving their true colors a chance to show through. Give them the benefit of the doubt while steeling yourself for the worst. Think about how you will react in all possible scenarios, including if they ask you to end the relationship, but try not to worry too much beforehand.
If possible, recruit the support of older, well-trusted family members that your closed-minded family members respect. Maybe you have an older aunt or uncle that everyone reveres who is likely to support your relationship. Tell your supportive family members that you are in a relationship and you would like some advice or support in telling the rest of the family. Then, tell them your new partner is another race and you’re not sure how the rest of your family will react to the news.
Generally, making a big deal out of any topic puts people on the defensive by making them assume the worst beforehand. Since you want your parents to be open and accepting, casually bringing it up might yield better results. Try saying over dinner, “Hey, did you know I have a new boyfriend?” They are likely to ask questions about him, and you can find a way to drop in “He’s the first Asian guy I have dated. "
Try saying, “I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I have this new girlfriend, and I like her a lot. But I think sometimes people treat us differently because she’s white and I’m not. Have you ever dated someone outside our race?”
If a family member reacts in anger, starts yelling, or becomes overly emotional, stay calm, but don’t continue the conversation. People are incapable of thinking rationally or really hearing you out if they become too emotional. Let them know you will revisit the topic when they are not upset and you can talk about it calmly. [4] X Research source
“His/her family’s culture is too different from ours. " You can respond to this by saying that it’s possible that the cultural divide might be too great, but you will cross that bridge when you get there. You want to get to know him and his family as individuals before judging his family for their race. “I don’t like people of that race. " This objection is hard to deal with because it isn’t rational. Or, your parents might have their viewpoints because of their experience with people of that race. Offer to listen while your parents explain their point of view. After you have listened to your parents reasons, you could point out that it is not fair to generalize all people of that race based on a few negative experiences. Do your best to have a reasonable discussion with your parents and avoid judging them before you have heard the whole story. “I don’t mind interracial relationships in principle, but people will treat you differently. " In truth, this objection is not wrong; many people do frown on interracial relationships and might treat you badly because of it. Tell your family member you are aware that it might be harder to have an interracial relationship, but that you and your partner are prepared to deal with social consequences for your choice. “It’s wrong to date that person because any children you might have will be treated differently. " Tell your family member that you are aware that interracial children might be treated differently, but that you would provide a supportive home and do everything you could to educate and love your child to be prepared to live in this world. You can also say that you don’t intend to have children any time soon, and that you feel that you have enough time to prepare for that situation if it ever occurs.
For example, talk up your partner’s work ethic, academic achievements, or athletic ability, or mention that he or she has great manners, makes you feel special, and treats people with kindness. Talk about your own values, as well. You might say something like, “You taught me to be loving, fair, kind, and generous, and I’ve met someone who shares those values with me. “[6] X Expert Source Collette GeeRelationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
If your parents forbid you from dating this person, you have to decide if you will obey their wishes.
However, even though you don’t live at home, there can still be negative consequences if your family is not accepting. For example, they may make comments about you behind your back, treat your partner unkindly at family get-togethers, or in more extreme cases, cut you off entirely or disinherit any potential children of the relationship. On the other hand, they may need some time to adjust to the news, but eventually come around and treat your partner with love and respect.
If you think they are likely to overreact in a negative way, telling them upfront can spare your partner some embarrassment if they say or do something unkind. Otherwise, letting them find out on their own has a lot of benefits: if your relationship is not serious, it prevents unneeded drama. It also sends the message that the racial issue is not a big deal to you, and thus not worth mentioning. Avoid bringing your partner around until you’ve had a chance to talk to your family. That way, you aren’t bringing your significant other into a situation that’s unwelcoming or hostile. For instance, you might say, “This is the person I’m dating. I love you, and I love them too. If that means our relationship has to take some space so I can live my best life, that’s what I’ll do, but I really hope you can be a part of the love I have. “[7] X Expert Source Collette GeeRelationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
Depending on the type of relationship you have, how often you see each other, and their anticipated reaction, it is probably best not to make a big deal of your news. Don’t email and say “We need to talk,” which will cause them to expect something negative and prepare for the worst. Instead, drop the news in casually when you are having a normal catching-up conversation on the phone or over lunch.
Say something happy but upfront, and try to include the racial element in a way that is casual but matter-of-fact: “I’m dating Mark. He’s such an amazing guy and we have so much in common. We met at the gym, and we’ve gone out a few times, and I really like him. I want you to meet him sometime soon. He’s the first Asian guy I’ve dated and he’s so handsome!”
Truly they may not care at all, and forcing them to talk about it might feel uncomfortable and unnecessary. If they do respond, be prepared to react. Don’t let your family member get away with saying anything racist or uncalled for. If they start to say something rude or racist, stop them and say, “Listen, I realize you may have mixed feelings, but I don’t want to hear anything like that about Mark. " They may also respond with ambivalence, not knowing what to say or feel, if they did not expect that news and aren’t sure how they feel about it. Their ambivalence might come from unrecognized prejudices or a worry that there will be a significant cultural divide. Unless you know for sure, don’t assume the worst.
Your family members may have racial prejudices they are not even aware of, and if you accuse them of racism, they may become defensive. Often racial prejudice and bias is something we are taught from the time we are children, and it becomes such a natural part of life that we don’t realize when we are acting or thinking in unfair ways. Whether your family is a member of the racial minority or majority might make a difference in how they respond to news that you are dating interracially. Keep in mind the historic relationships between your own race and your partner’s to help you understand why your family might react the way they do. Check out this wikiHow article for more pointers on how to recognize racism and prejudice and how to deal with it.
Talk about race at home. The first step in educating others is to talk about race, disparities, and injustices when you see them. A lot of people have been raised to believe in a “color-blind” society where race is not a factor in what happens in people’s lives. But in reality race matters, and people are still treated unfairly based on the color of their skin. Talking openly about race is the first step to helping other people, especially members of the racial majority, understand when racial disparities are taking place. Share news articles, books, web articles, or anecdotes about everyday occurrences. If you read an article that teaches you something, share it. If your partner faces discrimination because of race, tell your family. Post about it on Facebook. Talk about it over dinner. Don’t be afraid to get involved in conversations. In addition, talk about what you love about your partner’s culture or ethnicity, especially if you think it’s something your family members could appreciate, as well. [8] X Expert Source Collette GeeRelationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.
Talk to the person in private if possible, and let them know why you found the joke or comment offensive.
Especially if you have children by your interracial relationship, you must consider their emotional and mental well-being and not allow racist family members to antagonize them.
