If you are doing something else while you listen (e. g. , folding laundry or cooking), then look periodically at the person and use other cues to show you’re paying attention. Making eye contact is a great way to do this. If your body language is affected by a disability, you can still show that you are listening. Try accommodating your needs (e. g. , fidgeting with one hand while looking at their chin) or explaining outright that your body language is different, but you are still listening.
Holding their hand Looking directly at them Sitting with them or rubbing their back Saying “I’m here”
For example, if your best friend is very excited about his first date with someone new, he might appreciate you getting excited with him or showing happiness. On the other hand, if he’s tentative about it, then you getting too excited might make him feel smothered. It’s important to get a good read on how energetic or enthusiastic a person is.
For example, say something like, “So, how did that make you feel?” or “What do you think about that?”
“So you’re frustrated that the professor gave you so little warning. " “Wow, you seem really excited!” “That must have been hard. " “Tell me if I’ve got this straight. You felt hurt when my brother mimicked your disability accent, and I didn’t say anything?”
Avoid advising at this point, because it may make the person feel like your response is superficial or that you aren’t acknowledging their feelings. Instead, focus on just listening and being there for them. [1] X Research source They may experience their own revelations about the situation just from you being there to listen.
If your guess is accurate, they’ll likely say “yes, and. . . " and elaborate on their feelings. If your guess is wrong, they’ll likely say “no, actually. . . " and explain how they truly feel. Either way, you’re allowing them to elaborate and process things.
For example, if a friend didn’t get invited to his sisters’ vacation, you could say, “Yes, being left out is really hard. My brother and cousin do a camping trip every year, and I’m never invited. It makes me disappointed and sad that I’m left out of the loop. I totally get why you feel down about not being invited to your sisters’ thing. It’s not fun to be left out. "
“It’s okay to be squeamish about your flu shot. Nobody likes those. " “Of course you’re worried about asking your boss for a promotion. This sort of thing is scary for literally everyone. " “Well, no wonder you don’t feel like going out today. "
“Given how Amy treated you, I totally understand why you’d want to take a break from dating. That’s a lot to recover from. " “After that last roller coaster ride, I can see why you’d be hesitant about this one. Want to ride the merry-go-round instead?” “Given you got bit by a dog last year, I can see why you’re neighbor’s new dog might make you nervous. "
For example, don’t say, “That’s not worth getting angry about. " It’s okay if you disagree with someone’s response, but validating is not agreeing. It’s simply acknowledging someone’s feelings. Instead, you could say something like, “I understand why that would make you angry” or “You sound pretty mad. "
If you want to help, first listen. Give them a chance to let it all out and process their feelings. After that, ask if and how you can help. [7] X Research source If you’re unsure, try asking “Are you coming to me for advice, or would you just like to vent?”
Don’t minimize the uniqueness of what they’re going through. For example, if your friend is confiding in you about his suspected ADHD, don’t tell him “everyone gets disorganized sometimes. " Or if someone talks about a mean boyfriend, don’t say “all guys can be insensitive. " If they think their experience is unusual, respect that feeling. Don’t pretend you know what something is like if you don’t. For example, say a friend is stressed due to a divorce. Don’t try to empathize directly if you’ve never been divorced by bringing up a breakup you had. Instead, validate using more general terms. For example, “It’s completely understandable you feel that way. Divorce is really tough on most people. "
“Whining about it isn’t going to make it any better. Man up and deal with it. " “You’re overreacting. " “So you decided to be mad at your best friend. How’s that working for you?” “Well, maybe he wouldn’t have treated you that way if you hadn’t been wearing such a short skirt. "
“Oh, it’s not so bad. " “It’s not a big deal. " “Let’s stay positive. " “It’ll all work out in the end! Don’t worry. " “Just toughen up. " “Look on the bright side. "
If you want to help, try listening to the whole story and validating their feelings along the way. Then ask how you can help or offer to brainstorm solutions. If they are open to having you help brainstorm, make sure that you aren’t telling them what to do. For example, instead of saying “You should let go of him,” try saying “Personally, I try to let go of people who don’t want to be in my life, and focus on those who matter. " This lets them decide whether they want to do it your way or not.
